Balance the Divine - Part one: The Divine Feminine

January 29, 2019

Balance the Divine, is written as a three-part series of articles which together give a complete story. Written from personal experience, I have endeavoured to address the important issue of finding harmony between the divine masculine and divine feminine, inside of ourselves.

“I’m a tom boy” I would proudly say. “Really?” People would reply much surprised, “I think you’re quite feminine”. “But… I’m a Mechanical Engineer, I drink pints and play football… all my friends are boys!”

I have spent much of my adult life rejecting femininity. It’s not that I minded being a girl, but somewhere in my late teens while I was exploring who I was in the world, I became deeply affected by negative portrayals of women. I saw cooking and cleaning as activities to look down upon, and not to mention emotional instability was rife amongst us! These negative stereotypes that were engrained in me by the main stream media seemed common place, and as I started to hear these comments banded about by my male friends, I was desperate to get away from it.  At the height of this time, in my early twenties, I was wearing baggy trousers, drinking pints of bitter and captaining a football team. “I’m not one of those girls who guys make fun of, I’m one of the lads”. My mission was complete.

In the years that followed, my inner natural expressions did begin to surface. (although I use the term ‘natural’ with caution, as natural is quite difficult to accomplish when subject to the pressures of the fashion, and beauty industries). The personal need to be physically attractive, eventually replaced the t-shirts and baggy trousers and I even took up yoga, an activity that I had avoided, as being ‘a woman’s exercise’, and regretfully once discouraged an ex boyfriend from practicing! As time went on, steady progress continued to be made. Primarily, this was down to the influence of my close girl-friends, because in them, I could see and aspire towards their self-confidence of being. But despite this, the need to be liked by, and to be part of the ‘boy’s-club’, could not allow me to give up my dislike for thinking or acting like a woman, and so my internal conflict continued.

I first came to Glastonbury in November 2016 and was charmed by each day full of the magic of synchronicities and revelations. One evening a friend asked me to come to a red tent (a heart sharing circle) in the Goddess House. I initially cringed at the idea but decided to go along to ‘while away’ a few hours. I carried with me, my usual air of embarrassment when it comes to doing ‘women’s things’, however as the group started to cast their desires and intentions in the circle, I began to wonder why, in this room of women I liked, was I feeling so out of place? What was it that I was not accepting? And for the first time, I began to wonder if my rejection of the feminine all these years, was down to the relationship with my mother? Had her mental health disorder, which resulted in inaccessibility and detachment from her, been the reason for my denial of womankind all these years? I voiced this out to the group and received back some affirmative nods. And at that moment, it became my intention to accept and appreciate the feminine in me. And then, I almost forgot all about it.

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